Fortunately, that is all changing. Experts agree that we are designed for emotional connection through a range of feelings. Pressure to be strong all the time undermines a essential need for emotional connection. Men unknowingly not only numb themselves to their emotional discomfort, but in the process, become numb to the emotional needs of others. Sound familiar, ladies?

To make matters worse, symptoms often are overlooked. Feelings are masked with secondary issues, such as addictions and /or problems with concentration of anger. Irritability or aggression is seen as part of a character issue, not an emotional one. The symptoms are often mistaken for the problem. Gambling and drinking are not the problem. They are behaviors driven by depression, which is a treatable mental illness.

Undiagnosed depression in men, particularly fathers, can have devastating effects on children. Rates of anxiety disorders and depression are three times higher for children of depressed parents.

Chronic stress or traumatic events can make the body’s stress response become stuck in gear. The brain can become flooded with stress chemicals that interfere with mood regulation. Agitation, anger, and other self-destrucive behaviors are signs of depressions. Sadly, all of these factors contribute to a rate of suicide for men that is four times that of women.

Even with a family history of depression, a person’s genes are not his or her destiny. Not only DNA is passed down from generation to generation; so is the lack of coping skills.

Getting men back on track: It all starts with a conversation. New methods of screening for early detection and intervention are key. Seeking help from newly aware mental health professionals and primary medical personnel is the first step in the road to recovery of mental health. Be a man….go ahead and take it.

The psychology of happiness is more marketing campaign than medical advice. Constant pursuit of happiness can be detrimental to a person’s well-being.

Adversity offers opportunity to find out who you are in the world. Feelings of discontent about the state of things are the prime drivers of innovation and advancement. A range of feelings is necessary for everything from safety to self-reflection and empathy.

Negative emotions evolved for a reason. Feelings like anger and sadness need better understanding, not eliminating. The pain of touching a hot stove provides instant protection from a second injury. Disagreeable feelings can provide immunity to future suffering. Fear can tip us off to an unhealthy relationship. Allowing sadness in ourselves signals to the world that we may need help. Or, almost more importantly, it is a signal to give help. Being up all the time can play down some very real threats.

The greatest achievers in history all had very dark experiences. From Lincoln to Beethoven, haunted by negative moods, they were propelled to greatness.

People notoriously mis-predict what will make them happy. As a result, pursuing happiness for the sake of happiness is often a waste of time and energy. We can all agree that time spent on the wrong investment contributes to the opposite: unhappiness.

Good examples: Having children is not a predictor of happiness, nor is making a certain amount of money. Achieving goals may make you a little happier at certain times; however, for most it is the process of achievement , complete with its ups and downs, that gives immense feelings of satisfaction.

Studies show that mild discontent motivates people to improve their circumstances (education, income etc.). Among the ups and downs there is a very stronger predictor of happiness: strong social relationships. Time and again across age and culture, the happiest people are those with the strongest social connections. It seems as though allowing a range in feelings could open the door to a happier life.

Denying that your children will be interested in or want sex is risky. It is not a question of “if,” it is a question of “when.” It is the “walk,” or in other words, the relationship you have with your children that will prepare them for relationships with others…sexual or otherwise. To navigate, kids need to be smart form the start. That means they need more than a talk and/or promise to say “no.” They need an understanding of who they are now and a vision of their hopes and dreams for tomorrow. A clear vision of the future can inoculate against poor decisions in the present. “Above the waist” skills are critical for children to develop a healthy understanding of their sexuality and reach other complex goals in their lives.

Sex gives the illusion of connection. A teen who is unskilled at connecting in other ways will be more vulnerable to poor choices. An emotional connection can be jarring to an adolescent who is being driven by physical urges. A comfort level with emotional connections is a must for balance; otherwise, physical drives will hijack relationships. Kids are left feeling empty and isolated. Unhealthy connections not only rule the day, but possibly the rest of their lives. Adolescence is a time for experiments with identity. Without some measure of connecting emotionally in relationships then, the learning curves gets very steep in adulthood, often crashing in divorce and devastated dreams.

Remember, our kids will have sexual identities. They may even have great sex. The mistake is allowing it to block the rest of their identities. Walking in a relationship with them that anticipates their sexual development from day one is crucial. Don’t just download information. Provide experiences that control the story a child tells about themselves. With a flood of emotion and new awareness, it is easy for teens to forget who they are and what they want their identities, sexual or otherwise, to say about them. Moms and Dads are there to remind them.

In all honesty, who can blame them? All we hear about is how uncertain the future is for every one’s health and happiness.  Joblessness, poor education, disease are the short list of threats  we are slammed with at every turn. Unfortunately, when we respond only from fear, we can easily produce some very counter productive habits.  Habits that will block exactly what we are trying to help our kids achieve: personal growth and success.

No one will argue that guidance and responding to your children is bad. It is the hidden costs of  too much guidance and hovering that need to be exposed.

A second look through the lens of parenting:

Growth can be a messy business. There are often regressions and pauses along the jouney as a child grows.  A parent who only supports an efficient process for growth puts a child at risk of pursuing someone else’s satisfaction without any idea of how to find their own.

Great Expectaions are key.  Internal motivation is driven by personal expectations. Setting and persevering toward goals in life relies on this very potent fuel. A child under too much scrutiny based on a parent’s expectations will shut down their internal expectations for themselves.  Communicate your belief in your child. Give them a sense of expectation and then get out of the way.

Micro-manging a child can make them feel like a trained seal. Growing children need space to stretch themselves and create an identity beyond parent/peer opinion. Children will not build a strong sense of self while under the surveillance of a parent.  Being continually watched and assessed leaves them too exhausted to grow.

Learning is happening all of the time. A child who is under scrutiny all of the time can begin to feel like their life is not their own. Theey are at  risk of believing that their problems are not their own either. When challenged they think:  “someone else will take care of it because I’m not really in charge any how”. A child needs to believe that they are in charge of their life before they will invest in it.

The food police have a new sheriff in town.  There is one new law for every man woman and child. It goes like this:

Garbage in; Garbage out.

 That’s right, NO calories, No BMI, No BMW, No HDL ,LDL or LOL.  He is looking for just the facts on what happens at the scene of the crime we now call food. 

Sugar is the biggest threat to all of us. It ‘s like the guy who shows up dressed like a friendly repair man and once in the house becomes a thief.   

What is he after?  Your immune system, your bones, your skin and your brain power…just to name a few targets.  

How does sugar get away with its’ crime?   Simply put ,“blood glucose” (digested sugar) and vitamin C have very similar molecular structures.  Therefore, they both compete for  insulin as a “doorman”  to get into our cells and do their job.  The sugar always wins because our system is biased toward running from a bear Vs.  avoiding cold and flu season. When vitamin C loses, we miss out on the high octane fuel for our immune system.  Vitamin C  fires up our white bloods cells to have “all hands on deck” for invaders like viruses and bacteria.  It also does housekeeping for dead cells…..that’s why skin products are chock full of the stuff.

That’s not all folks….. High sugar levels can play a head game.  The brain runs on blood glucose (digested sugar).  Here’s the catch: Unlike muscles, it cannot store the stuff. Your brain is at the mercy of our food choices.  So if you torque it up with Twinkies….. What goes up very quickly must come down very quickly.  That is why your child can crash quickly after a sugary breakfast.  The brains mood center is first to be affected, It explains why moodiness can show up after a binge on Funny Bones.

The worst for last…. Consistently high levels of blood sugar increase blood acidity. Disease loves acidic environments.  Mother nature loves balance. She designed us to keep our blood from becoming too acidic.  It creates a great place for cancer to set up shop. Cancer is fed by the sugar.  Our body will try to protect us …but at a very high cost.  It will use the calcium intended for our bones to bring down the acid level of the blood.   Bad idea!!

What to do: Reduce sugar and move your body. Studies show that exercise primes our immune system, keeps our brain alert sends a signal for bone growth.  It also can suppress your appetite so that better food choices can make the scene.

Smooth  skin and strong bones are just a hop skip and a jump away!!

What most people don’t know is that nutrition is a brand new science.    When corporations are dictating the menu, they are interested in shelf life not your life.

Over the past several decades, how we nourish ourselves has been  hijacked by Little Debbie and the Keebler Elves.  We have barely scratched the surface of understanding the interplay between food and our bodies.  As it turns out …..it is very important. Food plays a huge role in culture because it either adds or subtract from our ultimate survival.   What we eat influences our immune system, our intelligence and our energy levels. 

Mother Nature loves balance. Messing with Mother Nature’s recipe is not a good idea. Like any other toxin or viral invaders, processed food taxes the body.  Over time, it robs capacity from our immune system and hormone centers.  Cranking up the insulin and inflammation fighters excessively over time is exhausting!! After four decades of 6 alarm fires to fight off Twinkies and trans fats, it will be no surprise that our systems just give up and stop doing the job properly.  Sugar levels stay too high and inflammation gets free pass. Arthritis, diabetes and other ailments take up permanent residence.

Parents need to become more savvy about the bells and whistles in food.  For example, counting calories should be tossed out with rotary phones. Understanding that just like the chemical make up of a  drug, food impacts your body and consequently your family’s health and well being.

 Learning about food is not rocket science.  However, it does require more than just knowing the information….you must believe it! 

Stay tuned for part 2….we’ll get some good reasons to step away from the donuts and start to believe!

It’s time for a change. In a world with big ideas, lots of resources and opportunities, there is a need for women of all ages to expand who they are without losing everything that makes them feminine.   We need  language to describe a new attitude that doesn’t limit us with a mindless label.  An invitation to be graceful and kind, but not at the expense of our dreams and capabilites.  An appeal to support each other.  Animate our lives with courage, sensuality and creativity. Most importantly, gain power with absolutely no desire to become or replace the men in our lives…only love them.  

I think I’ve found that new attitude and it is“wicked”.  A wily word that conjures up a sense of artfulness and knowing.  An image of a woman, funny, approachable and ready to love for keeps.   

“She’s so wicked” could replace that “bitch” for good.

 See for yourself. Just ask : 

Am I…..

Willing to live and not just endure my life?

Insatiable to find out what is possible?

Clear about who I don’t want to be?

Kicking aging’s ass?

Enjoying the envy I’ve earned?

Defying the gravity of old, useless beliefs?

“Answer yes to any one of these questions and you are indeed on your way to being wicked.” She declared with a twinkle in her eye. “And so am I” .

Climbing divorce rates during the first ten years of our bliss are begging for a new script. Evidence is clear that it will take alot more than romance to produce “happy” in the union. It will require skill and awareness. 

Anybody aspiring to be a growing, dynamic person (which I am sure you are) is aware that your vision for your future self will be constantly changing. At the same time, tossing your definition of happiness all over the map.  It’s called self-discovery.  An instinct as basic to humans as food, reproducing and shelter.  Unfortunately, in  as many as half, marriage has failed to deliver in this area. To date, wedded bliss has bet on and been limited to, provding the food, shelter and re-producing thing…not much more.   There is rarely a plan for growth.  As a matter, of fact it is predicated on partners staying the  same. An agreement super glued by a “dependant” relationship. Pursuing that dream of heading down the aisle in today’s climate, without a built in process for growth, is  just that….a dream.

Minus the glue of dependency and stigma of divorce, couples are waking up to the growing clamor for self-discovery.  A clamor, if ignored,  that will easily drown out your vows.  

So what does bravery have to do with it?  Everything.

Growth always bring us to the edge of what we know about ourselves and each other.  That is scary. Too often couples try to sidestep these moments with hubris.  Inevitably engaging in a psychological arms race to see who can block each others growth first.   They end up fighting to the death that will do them part. 

The brave will do something different. They will find the courage to stand on the edge of a disagreeable moment. Refusing to attack and allowing vulnerability. Fully aware that a marriage’s future of the next 20 years is determined by the patterns that flood the next twenty minutes. Discipline in thought, language and behavior will be the glue that holds them together. In turn, partners will be poised for self-discovery and growth that has real potential to last a lifetime.

Operate From the Same Playbook: Many of us strategize more about purchasing the family car than we do about how to handle the challenge of parenting.  Even with talent and good intentions, the lack of a cohesive strategy in any situation leads to unnecessary conflict.

Can you imagine a coaching staff sending a professional sports team out on game day without the benefit of a shared playbook? It is practically inconceivable.  You would have complete chaos on the field (and in the locker room afterwards!). Yet, Moms and Dads succomb to this chaos all of the time.  Asking each other to mind read…parents get it wrong and end up looking like the “Keystone Cops”.  A real image problem later down the road when your kids need you and don’t have confidence you can get the job done.

Get on the same page with your partner.  Share the plays and learn your position….your kids will be a winners for the effort.

Don’t play the Blame Game: Every spectator knows that errors, penalties, fumbles and fouls are part of the game.  You would never see an athlete stand and point his finger at a teammate who fumbles the ball…the fans would give up and go home.  Instead, everyone on the team  scrambles to recover. All in an effort to not waste time or lose advantage as a result.

Remember, if you want kids who take responsibility for themselves…it must be reflected in your behavior. Stop blaming. Cultivate a message of responsibilty between you and your partner. When the family game falters, everyone is 100% responsible for getting it back on track, regardless of who started the problem.

Know Your End Game & Have Special Teams:  In basketball, we use a hoop and a ball to score.  Hockey requires a stick and a puck.  Confuse the two and you have a disaster on your hands. Athletes work toward well defined goals.  Parents often do not. Instead of a scene from “Norman Rockwell”, they end up with “Clash of the Titans”. 

Stop and think before engaging your kids. Ask, ”If I meet resistance, will I dig in my heels and be defiant over something trivial?” If that is the case, you are only teaching your child to do the same.  Assess the importance of your goal and be prepared to punt. In other words, move in the child’s direction, but on your terms. For example, go ahead & let  your child leave their dinner plate early and unfinished.  However, make sure they know  the “special team” rules. In this case, later on, the only food available will be their unfinished meal. No exceptions.      

Their direction…your terms.

Game on Mom & Dad…. Now go get’m!

The centerpiece of their grand strategy is to expect…no, demand…to be propped up by respect for their chronological age.   All the while, feeling free to criticize the current crop of parents for being too lenient with their children….you know…actually taking the time to have a conversation with them…asking them what they think…that sort of thing.

Sadly, a long time ago in a galaxy far away,  previous generations were forced to live on “implied love”. You know the kind that you cannot see, hear, feel or touch…yet are supposed to be confident it is there.  Many crippled in the relationship game before they could walk. Later in life relying on the crutch of “respect” to stay connected to the young.

Maybe somewhere in the universe there is  planet where that works……it is definitely a failed experiment here on Earth.  It is the root cause of what I call  “LBI Syndrome” …Live in Fear. Be Invisible, Ignore your emotions. A recipe for disaster… regardless if you are a man, woman, boy or  girl. LBI also ranks as the #1 killer of creativity and kindness.

Thankfully we’ve moved on to our world.  A place where we teach our children to live fearlessly, use your talents and passion to make yourself visible and never miss an opportunity to let your emotions connect your heart to others. Above all, accept nothing less than that candid, overt messy kind of love.  You know the kind that you learn from puppies.

“Houston we definitely have our problems” today.   Fixing the playbook to earn respect instead of demanding it is certainly no match for going to the moon. Once we straighten things out here on earth, we’ll meet you on Mars…for a little respect.